There’s a vivid memory that is bookmarked in my mind. It was the night of December 31st, 2004. I was at a house party with my two best friends at the time, and I welcomed the year 2005 alone in a hot tub, staring up at the stars. In that moment, I remember realizign that I was unhappy with myself, because I’d begun to feel like I’d started slipping away from who I really am. Since then, over the years I’ve made countless plans of action and set goals to fix that issue and reclaim my true self. I wish I could remember them all; I would list them now just to illustrate my own absurdity. Over the past year, I’ve let myself slip deeper down the spiral. I’m at the greatest deficiency I’ve ever felt myself at, and the time has come to put an end to this five year repeating cycle. I look back, and see all the time I’ve wasted trying to figure things out, and ultimately failing. In it’s own way, it’s been nice; I spent so much of my adolescence being an adult that it’s been nice to be able to make up for that lost time. As a consequence, I’m far behind in relation to where it is I want to be in my life at this moment in time.
This year, I made one of my abandoned plans during the summer. I wiped all of my internet accounts to a clean slate, and labeled that movement my “tabula rasa”. Since then, I haven’t done anything to continue that project. No blog posts, little updates, etc. That would be because I gave up. I took the bad things in life that have happened to heart, all the heartache, being fired for the first time in my life, the fear of not realizing my future to what I envision, and I let it all break me. I trained myself to hate my life and whittled my self esteem down to a non-existent shred. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt what used to be an innate eagerness to rise to any challenge, or the satisfaction of completing a goal. I sought out distraction with the people in my life, and let myself slip. I stopped caring about my appearance, and gained an abhorrent amount of weight.
Lately, the more I’ve thought about these things, the more I’ve become disgusted with my choices. In a couple of months, I will hit 25 years of age. As such, I can’t let this continue. I need to believe in myself again with the unwavering conviction I used to, and push myself to become the person I really am. In that, I’ve realized that I’ve been wrong in thinking that the person I really am is someone I’ve slipped away from. The truth is, I’ve never been that person, and rather trying to get back to something that never was, I need to grow in the direction of what truly is. Along the way, I have come up with some good plans and ideas that are inline with the path to my ultimate self. Those plans and goals are what I will use as a starting point, and refine over the next two months so that when I hit that next birthday, I can have a sense of progress. Maintaining an organized online identity, reaching physical fitness, having the initiative and drive to continually improve myself…the list goes on. In the past, I’ve tried implementing those as overnight changes, and that’s just not how things work. Therefore, I need to begin working on all of that now.
This is me, beta 1.
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